THIS WEEK: CONTRACTION
The Minnesota Twins. It's the stuff of Hollywood,
if Hollywood ever saw fit to make a decent baseball movie.
On the dark side are the greedy owners who resemble the Old
man Zombies of Peter Jackson's "Bad Taste", while
on the good side are a bunch of young fellers with long Polish
names and great, eighteenth century pirate goatees. That
they play incredible baseball in what looks like an overinflated
big top only adds to their underdog charm. This team is
more interesting than any other team in the majors anyway, and
now that pure, unadulterated hope-crushing monsters are out
to get them for nothing more than another bloated price tag,
this season could be the best in baseball history.
The Montreal Expos. Calling Dr. Kervorkian. No
one likes the Expos not the baseball fans north of Boston
(surely there must be hundreds), not the players who play in
front of crowds so quiet they make libraries seem like airports,
nor the denizens of Montreal, who not only hate Americans, but
Canadians as well. What were they smoking back
in the late 60's? Let's see, you've got Seattle, Florida,
Arizona and Washington, D.C. without teams let's plop
one down in Montreal. Not even Vancouver or Toronto.
No, Montreal. And the name. Good lord. Please,
kill this team. Kill it now.
The Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Poor St. Petersburg.
First, the White Sox dangled that dirty franchise in your face,
and you coughed up that beautiful dome. Sorry, but the
windy city decided to keep our beloved Chisox. Then, you
made a deal with the San Francisco Giants. Next year,
a new team, with an even better history! Nope, that one
fell through, too. Your little dome began to age, as domes
do, almost right away. Then, the high lords awarded you
the Devil Rays. And they're god-awful. Maybe they'll
be the perennial doorstop of the majors. Our advice- move
them. For a team this ugly should only be called the Senators.