Back when I was younger, I used to read Mudville Magazine
every time it hit the doorstep. You see, our mailman was the
sort of guy who, well, to put it bluntly, he'd sort of get
seizures. Every day my brother and I would watch him amble
up the walk, just hoping that he'd perform one of his crazy
'jigs'. Often times he'd have the mail in his hand and he'd
start a-twictchin', and the mail would tumble all over the
porch, and dear old mom would have to get out the wooden spoon
while my brother and I would scramble about for our mail,
which had just landed on the doorstop.
Sorry to ramble, but it's just one of those days. I remembered
how much you guys used to complain about the Texas Rangers,
and I swore that one day I'd buy the team and show you what-for.
Well, as I got older and had more of Dad's money to play with,
I did just that. Still, I guess we never really showed you
what-for. Just bought the team is all. Then I became Governor.
Listen, maybe you could endorse me when I run again? I am,
after all, the only president who's ever sat through a Rangers
double-header. That should count for something.
George W. Bush
when i was child back in Mt.Pleasnat, MI, i
stole lotsa baseball cards.I would load up my tube socks until
the elastic thread could stretch no more, and pull my bellbottom
jeans down over my bulging calves,and try to make it out of
the store without being caught. I never got caught. I could
make it out with entire cases of baseball cards loaded in
my tube socks from ankle to almost knee on a regular basis.
i also did this with Penthouse magazines, as well as other
items,but this is a baseball magazine, so let us continue
the story. As the years progressed, i amassed 5 Baskin Robbins
5 gallon ice cream tubs of baseball cards. When my family
decided to move out to the country, we had a yard sale. A
one- armed man asked how much for the tubs of cards, and i
told him five bucks.
he paid me, and 5 trips later had the cards in his car.No
matter what kind of magazine you start, Pete, i will have
a story to contribute. This shit happened in the 70's, of
course, and i had a wad of Fidrych cards.
To the editors of Mudville Magazine:
Who the living heck are you to claim that the Milwaukee Brewers
are "boring"? You consider yourselves the 'excitement
police'? Why, the Brewers put on their own brand of baseball,
the sort of ball that a man can listen to while trying to
nap. I once tried to take a nap while visiting my relatives
in St. Louis last year, and in between all the talk there
wasn't nothing but shouting. Crowds yelling and screaming
and hoping for something to happen. Not to mention the rest
of the folks sitting around talking about the game. Didn't
get a half a wink, let me tell you.
No, the Brewers do things their own way, and it's worked well
for almost twenty years, and then, barring the one season
they had a winning team, the prior twenty years were just
as sleepy. And that's the way we like it in Wisconsin in the
Bud Selig understands this. With the stands half empty, the
crowds buzzed on cheap Miller Beer, there's nothing to generate
any noise. Why do you think they play ball in the summer,
when it's so hot and sluggish there's nothing you can do BUT
You and your silly magazine can go straight to heck if you
think they ought to make the Brewers more exciting. Why, it's
almost like peddling drugs. Damned hippies!
Don't ever change Brewskis!
Mr. George Will
(Not related to the crazy man on ABC)
I was happy to receive your website. Once again
- you show that you have talent for observation and writing
on (baseball) beyond what I have seen 'professionally'.
Please help us get the Philadelphia Athletics back in the
great Liberty City! The Phillies, they're nothing more than
a bunch of Communists--look at their color scheme! And their
mascot... The phanatic? I hope to God the office of Homeland
Securtiy is looking into that long-haired "phreak."
What is a Philly? Sounds awfully suspicious, you ask me.
Please, Mudville, you seem patriotic enough. Help us to bring
back the old blue and white uniforms, with their triumphant
white elephant emblazoned on the sleeves. Is there nothing
more patriotic than the color white and the grand old symbol
of the pachyderm?
White Elephant League
To the Editors of Mudville:
I thank you sincerely in advance for never writing about football.
not the other one